booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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