Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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