I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
