i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
