Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
