Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
