she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
