I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
