Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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