I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
only you would photoshop your dick
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
