Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
