So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
