I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
