Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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