Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
