I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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