I wish I only lived at night.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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