Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
