I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just had sex bonerless
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
