We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
