I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
