OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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