Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
