dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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