the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
