Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
