If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Welp...herpes.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
