i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
