Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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