found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
