Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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