You're a womanizer and a bitch.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
