im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
it's like heaven, but drunker
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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