3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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