I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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