i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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