I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
