my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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