i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
