Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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