so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
