Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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