Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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