So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
