her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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