i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
