I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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