when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
