Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
