I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
