you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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