I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
