i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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