I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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