You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
