come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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