i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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