Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
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