dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
