May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I have peed in a lot of sinks
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
